Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Dress for Success: Swimsuit hell

Having lost all this weight, I thought, hey, it's swimsuit season. I need a cute bathing suit. And I got all excited. For once, I wouldn't have to order out of the big girl's catalog. I could actually find something in the store!! I was really excited to find a suit that would show off my new littler body. Silly me.

I have now determined, that swimsuit shopping is hell, no matter what your size. At the store, I immediately dismissed two categories of swimwear. The muumuu swimdress, masquerading as a bathing suit. And the bikini, because I may be smaller, but I'm still not delusional. That left me with one pieces and the tankini.

I tried the one piece first. Thought I could look all svelte and catwoman like. Not so much. I have a very long torso, so they all either crawled up the butt or the bust hit about the ribcage. I'll even own up, that just for kicks, I tried on the one piece with the sides cut out. Even supermodels don't look good in those bondage bandaid swimsuit wannabes.

So I tried the tankini. The first store I went to, sold them in sets. Unfortunately my top half is a size larger than my bottom half. So either my bottoms fell off or gave me plumbers butt. Or my top was squeezing all the left over fat up and out. Then I discovered the separates. Praise be to whoever thought that one up. So I finally found a cute little boy short for the bottom. But what to do for the top? Halter. Racerback. Midriff baring (uh no), Deep V, (again, no) padding (yes please. Because the first place I lost my weight was off the rack). Too many combinations and none of them looked right. None of them made me look like the girl on Maxim magazine.

She didn't have a droopy butt, or an extra flap skin under the arms. I decided, Screw this, I should wear a wetsuit. Then all my little extra bits would be tucked in.

Cue the super skinny girl in the dressing room next to me. Size 0, and moaning about all the exact same things. Her thighs looked flabby. The suit cut across her butt in the wrong place. She had a little bit of a belly. (not that I saw)

Point is, unless you have makeup artists and somebody that can airbrush your photos later, swimsuit shopping is hell. For everyone.

No comments:

Post a Comment


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...