Today during a five mile run, I found myself thinking about responsibilty. More specifically that I needed to take more of it. Let me back up a little bit.
Last year, before my discovery of the Philosophy of Finishing, I was victim of life's circumstances. I was a passanger in a busted up POS Pinto on the road of life. When a road hazard came up and popped a tire, I would bemoan my fate and say "It's not fair. Why does this always happen to me?" I hated the fact that I had to buy all my clothes in the Big girl's store, but hey what could I do? After all I was just born to be fat, look at my big oak of a family tree. Can't argue with genetics. Did I take any responsibility for my plus sizedness? Hell no. I'm just big boned. Or my joints hurt too much to exercise. The list of excuses went on and on. Anything and everything I could use to overlook the fact that I was making poor choices.
So one of the things I learned last year was that I was the driver of my own life. Since I am not the kind of girl to be a little cute convertible, I decided I would be an armored Jeep. Stuff might pop up and try to get in my way, but I was just going to barrel over it. Because just like on the real road, sometime accidents happen that I have no control over. They truly aren't my fault, but what I choose afterwards is. Case in point: the whole Genetics issue. It is true, that nature has conspired against me with two type 2 diabetic parents, and a frame that my husband likes to call statuesque. But instead of whining endlessly like I had before that I would never be a Victoria's Secret model, I needed to do the best I could with what I had. So that means more running and less treats, because if I want to stay out of the plus sized stores, that's what I have to do. I also had to own up to the empty candy wrappers and pizza boxes instead of blaming it all on the kids and hubby.
This was one of my big lightbulb moments from last year, but on this morning's run I think the bulb must've burned out. About a mile and a half into my run, I found myself cursing all my firends that had given me holiday treats over the last two months. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be running in the sub freezing tempertures, trying to burn off those holiday five pounds my scale informed me of. Stupid people. Didn't they know I was a recovering chocoholic? Would you bring a recovering alcoholic a bottle of wine for Christmas? No, of course not. Then why oh why did my best friend have to bring me a giant plate of fudge? Did she want me to get fat? My husband is diabetic and my kids are picky eaters, so that left the whole plate up to me to disperse of. It's a tough job, but somebody had to do it. And I did - for not only that, but the tub of carmelized popcorn my neighbor brought. And the cookies, and my mother in laws caramel candied sweet potatoes.
It took another two miles before my brain thawed out enough to realize that I had just jumped back into the Pinto. I was taking the approach that my holiday setback was everyone else's fault for tempting me, instead of taking responsibility for bending into tempation. It's not Misty's fault she makes great rocky road fudge, I chose to eat it...and eat it some more. It was time to climb back into my Jeep and face the problem head on. I had made bad choices, yes, but it wasn't the end of the world. Five pounds is a whole lot easier to lose than seventy five. So I ran the next mile and a half with renewed purpose and silently apologized for writing all my friends out of my will.
For me, taking responsibilty is not a matter of blame, but control. As a passanger, I had no control over my life. Living in constant worry, waiting for the other shoe to drop was not healthy for my mind or my indigestion. Bad things happened, and there was nothing I could do about it. But as a driver, I decide which way I am going to go. Sure it means that I have to take ownership for my "accidents" but it also means that I do not have to sit idly by waiting for a Mac Truck to sideswipe me. I don't have to sit at at home and fear endlessly that I will get big again. I'm the boss of my body and I say that I won't. I make the decisions everyday that ensure that I will continue down the road that I have chosen. Sometimes I might take holiday detours, but that's okay. My internal GPS still knows where it's going, and as long as I don't stop and get back in the passanger's seat, I know I'll get there.